Oh, I get it!

     Its been too long! I received a gentle reminder at a friends celebration of life/memorial, that writing gives me peace and I should do it more often. Thanks Myke, point taken!

     SO much has gone on in the last 6 months for me. With everything going on, I felt this strange uneasy feeling. Thinking it was just the stress from work, I ignored it. It came to a point 3 weeks ago where I couldn't sleep and had no appetite,which is the opposite of my stress coping. In an insomniac stupor, I did some research. I felt incredibility unsettled and not of my truth. Everything I found showed that this is indication of a shift. Not in the the typical sense of me having too big a heart and not knowing how to fix things, but cognitive dissonance to the max. I knew something was happening because the last time I felt like this was before Peace Corps. Being the tree huger that I am, the shift made sense. Apparently when these big shifts happen, it means an awakening of some sort. This could spiritually, emotionally, professionally and trigger an incredible amount of personal growth when you get to the other side of it. Getting to the other side is the hard part. I don't know if it was the change in medication, separation of migrant families or my toxic work environment but I knew something was coming. I had been applying to jobs, got offers from some but it wasn't right and my loyalty to the people I worked for became more important than my loyalty to my self. Id love to say that's never happened before, but we know better.

     I found a position at a non profit being a resource connector for students, teachers and families - Community School Coordinator to be specific. Instantly, I began crying when I saw the posting. In fairness, I cry when the wind blows but it felt right. I applied reluctantly, not because I didn't want it but because my confidence had been torn down after a failed promotion. But when something is for you, there's nothing you or anyone else can do to keep you from that. I pride myself on hearing God speak but I'm also honest enough to admit that most of the time I am screaming to loud to hear Him. But I heard it very clearly, that it was time for me to leave the job I had. Not only was it becoming toxic and unhealthy but I wasn't using the gifts I was given and my purpose is to work hands on with children and families. I love the ladies I work with and always will, but growth is important and no one should ever feel stifled or be forced to settle.  I heard that so clearly, I couldn't ignore it if I tried. I applied for the job I saw and after a 2 interview process I got it. While I was happy, I was so uncertain. Who leaves the cushy job I had to go BACK into the non profit world? They aren't going to pay for school and its a pay cut whats wrong with you? Is the really what God is telling me or am I just looking for a way out?

     I love how sometimes God lets me have a pity part and then other times He quiets the storms of my mind so ferociously (# savagejesus). That's the thing I love about my creator and the thing I love about our relationship. He is exactly what I need Him to be every.single.time.  It took a lot for me to leave but as soon as I put in my notice, peace washed over me. There are a lot of uncertainties but I still feel peace. It means I made the right decision.  He knew I wouldn't leave willingly so He had to push me along a little. While the process hurt,  it was needed and I have more clarity and appreciation for the process. I have learned a lot this past year as I started grad school. I can do ANYTHING but I can't do EVERYTHING and my valued and proprieties need to be my guide. The most important lesson is that there is a CLEAR plan over my life. I might not understand it all yet, or even follow the quickest path to get there.  The simple glimpses I see of it fill and fuel me and I find so much in taking even a tiny step to finding my truth.

     His timing is always perfect, your voice should always be heard and you should always speak life and have life spoken over you. 

Sit and wait for who?!

Merry Christmas! Nothing like an early morning rant to put me in the Christmas spirit. During my usual insomniac moment around 2 am, I checked my phone to see I had at some point received this lovely picture message from one of my favorite women. My immediate 2 am response was " Nope, I'm not sitting and waiting for no man but Jesus". Well,  IT IS Christmas. But underneath the sassy undertones of that message was sadness.  I hate how women have this image of sitting and waiting for the right man to come into their lives and change everything. Early Disney fairytales had it so wrong. There is absolutely noting wrong with wanting a partner, Hell I want one too. But the problem is when this thought and artificial need consumes you. The idea that the "perfect" man is out there and you have to sit and wait for him to get his s**t together is absurd. I should preface by saying this rant is also triggered by the most beautiful message I received last night at Christmas Eve service.

God is brilliant in the way He works and speaks to you. The title of the message was " Its a new beginning", since Jesus being the light of the world was a new start.  My pastor was speaking truth and life over everyone and all of a sudden he says that he felt like he was supposed to tell someone something. That he was supposed to tell a young woman that "love from a man is not going to feel the void". MIND BLOWN. I have been struggling with the single thing myself lately. I am finally ok with the idea of wanting a partner but lately I have been consumed with the idea, which is very much out of my character. So hearing my Pastor say that was just a testament to *Jah's brilliant timing.*I tend to use Jah and God interchangeably. Jah being short for Jehovah. I then felt this thought/ image/presence say, " I will send him when I send him but first lets work on you". Got it! I heard that one loud and clear. I have been praying for healing (mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically) and feeling like I am not being my authentic self or that I don't even know who my authentic self is anymore. Now my friend could have a very good grasp of who she is, so I was totally projecting in my sassy response.  It just made me realize that instead of being consumed with this idea of finding a partner, I need to be consumed in finding myself. Not only in an attempt to be a better future partner but to be a better me and a brighter light. 

So if you're constantly working on you and happy with yourself, you don't have time to sit and wait for a partner, they will find you when you're being your best self. And if they don't find you? Its not time, and that's a whole other post about patience and faith. 

Never too old to be stood up

      Seriously, this is the only blog I've written this year? But I've written so many in my head! This year has been a year of marginal defeat and extreme enlightenment. I dub this the "even though" season of my life.  It started with not being accepted to grad school and continues with being stood up for a date. I am learning that there's a heightened sense of self and clarity that comes with this season of "even though".
    So I am not very good at this dating thing. I don't understand hints, I'm oblivious to any one interested in me and my anxiety kicks in when I am not in full control. ( I also believe in putting the crazy on the table so we all know what we're dealing with, but I digress.) So when I get asked out for a lunch date but not given an exact time or place,  I get a little nervous. I'm sitting at home after a lovely hike with an awesome friend waiting for a plan. My first instinct is to text him and inquire but if he's interested he would have already given me some sort of heads up right? I come up with all sorts of excuses: he sleeps late remember don't worry he'll text you when he wakes up; maybe he's still figuring out where to take you for lunch since you're vegan; maybe he's waiting because he knew you were going on a hike... excuses excuses! Lunch slowly turns into dinner and it's 5pm. and I've heard nothing from him all day. I'm hangry and annoyed that my day has been spent not eating and sitting by a phone. Still giving him the benefit of the doubt, I text to see if he still wants to go out. He says yes but that he couldn't think of a place. I name the place, I ask him to name a time. Nothing. I suggest a time. Nothing. at 6:30 I decided it was time to open up a bottle of white wine and cuddle with my dog- Rupert is way better company anyway.
       What did I learn from this? Some guys are jerks? White wine hangovers are not as bad as red wine hangovers?
         I learned a lot from this. I go into certain situations with no expectations and for me with a lack of expectation there is a lack of standards. Sometimes I forget my worth and that gets me into trouble. Not just with people but with other aspects of my life as well. As flexible and as laid back as I try to be, I do deserve more than just a cryptic text that leads to waiting by the phone. I deserve my time to be appreciated just as much as theirs. I deserve effort!!!  In those moments of insecurity and forgetting my worth I feed in to society's  perpetuation of "you should be happy that".... "You should be happy that he asked you out," "you should be happy that someone was interested", "you should be happy that you dodged a bullet." Well if I would have been mindful and kept with my intent then I never would have accepted the date or even talked to him to begin with. We're inadvertently told to accept certain situations for what they are but if its not aligned with our purpose then why are we wasting our time? If you are an indecisive, inconsiderate little boy who's not ready to handle a queen, that is fine! Just stay in your own lane, make room for someone worth the effort and stop wasting my time.
   This transfers to other aspects of life as well. If I would have applied to a grad school program more aligned with my intent/purpose then my passion would have be genuine and undeniable and my essays would have gotten me in. Instead, I applied somewhere easy and to a program that was safe. So much of life is taking a leap of faith and knowing it will work out. But when your leaps of faith become little hops in a easy, safe direction then have you settled? Big thought provoking questions coming from being stood up but I have been thinking that I am taking the easy, safe route and that's just not apart of the plan for me. We get comfortable and for get we were meant for something more and sometime it take being stood up to wake you up and remind you of who you are.
       So "even though" this year as been full of self doubt, heart break, insecurity and uncertainty- it is just a season and I am grateful for it. It only gets me closer to my purpose and will make me appreciate it that much more when I get there!

Be Bold, Don't settle and Live intentionally 

Living, merely existing or somewhere in between.

Along with the unfortunate event of death, there are two other life events that make you stop and re-evaluate everything. Your friends getting engaged and your friends having babies.

I turned 27 and everyone started getting engaged and married. I turned 28 and everyone is having babies. I'm not throwing any sort of passive aggressive shade, but when you are literally the only very single and/or very non pregnant person in the room you start feeling some kind of way.

Does getting married and having babies equal a fulfilled life, for some yes and that's fine. Just not for me. But I do think about what living a fulfilled life even means anymore. Is it merely accomplishing everything on my to do list or is it more than that?

I don't feel like I'm living, just merely existing. The last time I really felt like I was living was in Zambia. I do have such a nostalgia for my time there just because I was happy and doing exactly what I was meant to do.  Then I moved back and instead of my life being centered around the next book I would read its centered around the next bill I will pay. I get it. There are responsibilities that come with being an adult, for most of us anyway, but I hate the idea that my life is consumed with meaningless bureaucracy. I feel that our society is set up in a way that only a certain percentage of people are allowed to live while the rest of us just merely exist.

I was created for so much more than that... but what? It's funny how it was so clear what I was supposed to be doing once I went to Zambia. As if my existence led up to that moment, but what now?  Asking myself what I want to do with my life at 28, seems a little late. I just get this overwhelming feeling that I'm supposed to being doing something more, something different, something bigger then what I am now but I have no clue of what that is.

I remember growing up and having these big dreams- I still have big dreams but now they are stifled by realty. So unfortunate how we grow up and sell out to reality.

As cliche' and preachy as it sounds- life is too short to just merely exist. I don't think we were put here to just go through the motions and be satisfied with the bare minimum of life.

But how does one really live their life to the fullest?  Does it mean more things or more relationships? Does a full life equal degrees or experiences? Is it checking things off a bucket list? I'm obviously still trying to figure it out.  Or maybe living a full life is a combination of everything and figuring it out as you go. Who knows? I know life is short but equally beautiful and I dont want the stresses of my 1st world problems to overshadow that.

" I thought you were lazy"

There are some things that I find inherently true about myself, my superpowers if you will. The most prominent yet annoying one happens to be that I take things to heart. Or better put, constantly searching for perspective. This became ever so evident last week when having a 1am talk with my old roommate. She needed to talk and I couldn't sleep so it was a perfect combination.

In an attempt to avoid talking about what was on her mind, the true reason for the 1am phone call, we of course talk about me. Being a good friend and sport, I allowed it which is rare in itself. She told me she had a confession and asked me not to be mad. Great segue into a confession, right. She wanted me to know that she was sorry for not being sensitive about my anxiety and thinking I was lazy in college. Aww how sweet. Wait,What? Lazy? Keep in mind I had a double major in college, volunteered at least 2x/week for my scholarship, was writing a thesis, involved in way too many clubs and was an RA. I wouldn't exactly call that lazy but who knows.  She said that I was always "on" and would come home and lock myself in my room and wouldn't come out unless I needed to. "I thought you were lazy". So its 1am, I'm trying to be a good friend and the conversation turns to this. But I felt oddly validated by her confession.

I know she felt horrible for feeling that way and said she couldn't understand it until she had gone through it herself. And didn't recognize anxiety issues until later. I'm a psych dork and didn't recognize it until I was out of college. Its different when it's you.

It just made me think that you never really know what people are going through.  People may seem one way on the outside but that doesn't mean they aren't battling their own demons within. My anxiety isn't as debilitating as it was in college, I've accepted it and have learned how to deal with it, most days. The hardest disabilities/disorders/illnesses to understand are the ones where you don't see anything physically wrong. I could never understand why I slept so much during the day but was afraid to sleep at night. Why I could speak in front of people and be outgoing but couldn't get out of bed the next day. I never realized that I stayed in my room all the time. Its exhausting being a token and living up to expectations others set for you... But that's for another day.

I felt validated by her comment because it made me feel less crazy. I've tried explaining to people how some days getting out of  bed was an accomplishment in intself and that while I do like people, most days I need time alone. Some people will never understand until they've been through it themselves. Not just with anxiety but with life in general. You never know what someone is going through.

Its just a reminder to step back and try to show empathy and attempt to understand people. And if you can't relate or understand, listening is just as good. 

***Flawless***

A couple things happen when you reach your late 20s. You get a little old and boring. You begin to see things more on a big picture scale. You begin to understand the value of Brunch and bottomless Mimosas . But one thing is for sure, you are bound to end up getting stuck in the middle of wedding season rut. Last year, I was invited to 5 weddings. I love LOVE, so of course I love weddings...But you get fever after going to these things. I have a theme for my pretend wedding...no boyfriend, nor partner or fiance but the guest list and wedding favors are picked out.

As much as I love weddings. I hate them as well. Its a reminder that I'm single, in my late 20s and if I don't meet someone soon... Ill be a spinster! I have a huge problem with this. Why do I feel like I NEED to be married. I can take care of myself, never needed a man or anyone for that matter. But from the time we are girls, we are told that the story is complete only when Mr. tall dark and handsome has "rescued" you. I'm hardly a damsel in distress and can rescue myself... in multiple languages. 

I'm getting really tired of this idea that I have to have a HUSBAND and a family to be successful. I think keeping Rupert alive is a success in itself, I can't even imagine adding little humans to the mix. I'm not exactly where I want to be in life but I have done a lot for being only 28. I need no man and I don't have time to coddle some insecure guy's ego. Sorry not sorry. One of the songs I have to listen to daily is Flawless by Beyonce. I love the song in general but I really listen to it for the expert from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. I really need to listen to every speech she's ever given and read every book she's ever written- simply brilliant. 

She makes so many relevant points about how we have such a ridiculous double standard for girls. We grow up as young girls thinking we have to be the "princess" who has to be saved. But boys are never taught that they are the prince and knight in shining armor. Boys are never taught how to keep a woman but we are taught how to keep a man. Girls who show emotions are weak but girls who are guarded are hurt and tainted. The fairy tale is only complete once the prince finds you.  Really? Society standards are setting relationships up to fail. In my fairy tale, there isn't necessarily a prince. There is an equal. We always hear about finding someone to complete you but I don't need to be completed. Finding someone equally yolked is fine and ideal even but if you need someone to complete you- there are even bigger problems at hand than being 20 something and single. 

I might be a raging feminist and I'm OK with that. I just hate the pressure I feel to be with someone and have a family in order to be successful. Lets not even get started on how the expectation is for me to be with a black male- which probably wont happen- but that's a post for another day. 

Ill never understand why you would want to be with someone who fits nicely in the cookie cutter shape they are expected to be in. Ill never understand how some people are OK with being just another mold of a person. We have so much more freedom as woman- in this country especially- but we don't take advantage of it. We forget our power as woman. We forget our strength. 

I meet people and they are shocked at what I've done in such a short life, but they are even more appalled at the fact that I'm 28 and single. 

Do I want love and a partner? Absolutely to love, eventually to the partner. Love still doesn't equal success or change who I am as a person. So shouldn't I be more focused on being the best me possible...for me? 

Cycle of friends and the downward spiral of acquaintances

 I'm lucky.

Despite my socially awkward tendencies, I have a pretty awesome friend group.  I have some childhood friends, college friends and the ever elusive adulthood friends. But every so often I come across a few people who appear to be friends... but are merely acquaintances.

Friendships are strange. Its almost a mutual codependency that's socially acceptable. I've noticed that each of my friends serve a purpose in my life. I have the friends who are always up for anything. The friends who are great to discus art and culture with, those friends who know you inside out and don't mind your crude unfiltered humor and then there are the friends who live far away but still get you despite the miles.

But the older I get, the more I don't quite get friendships. Sure, blame it on my anxiety  but its almost as if we forget how to be friends as adults. In high school, friendships consisted of long conversations about nothingness and the future. Adult friendships consist of social media and e-vites. As adults, we forget that friendships are more than liked post and pictures. People think they know you by your Facebook post and feel as though that's enough. As if by liking your pictures that's validating you and your friendship. My parents always warned me that friendships would change the older I got. Maybe I'm throwing shade because friendships are extremely important to me. Maybe  I'm hypersensitive to friendships and relationships because my anxiety makes it hard for me (not an excuse just something I am currently accepting and aware of). Or maybe I'm just over this watered down version of friendships.

I've also noticed the older I get, that there is a new category of friend. Friend by obligation. Just because you've known someone forever doesn't mean that you actually have to continue to be friends. People grow and they change but expect for friendships to stay the same and it just doesn't quite work that way... and that's ok. We get older and some friends become acquaintances or the friendship ends all together.

The problem occurs when you feel obligated to be around certain people to spare their feelings or keep peace. That's when resentment sets in. When energy is wasted on pointless conversations, not the high school kind that made you think about life, it might be time to reevaluate things. Not every moment of a friendship has to be world changing and thought provoking, but at the end of the day does that person make you better? Is that person a source of positive energy and encourages you to be your best self? We have such high expectations for partners but half ass our friendship goals. Some friends need more than others, I get it. But if you are the only one giving in a friendship, then what is it really? You shouldn't have to  feel emotionally drained and exhausted every time you are around that person. But then again, we are so use to going through life with an assortment of associates that its almost as if we don't know any better.

In  culture of " one upping" its hard to find people who are genuine in any aspect but especially in a friendship. But once you find those few amazing friends, hold on to them... because good people and good friends are hard to come by.

Don't wear black to my funeral

The past month has been a whirlwind of unfortunate events. My uncle passed away and now my best friend's mom. I'm sure there are some people who deal with death well. I just happen to not be one of them. I shut down, disappear for a while and take a hard look at my life.

The day of my uncle's funeral, my thoughts were flooded with memories of him. How he was the first one to tell me I was a Queen, how he always had some cool story to tell from his days as a radio DJ and how excited he was when I went to Africa, He was my cool uncle. I then started to think about how even when he started getting sick from his diabetes he was still my cool uncle but for much bigger reasons now. He was always full of life and positive energy. If anyone deserved to have a pity party it could've and should've been him, but he never did. He lived his life to the fullest and continues to teach me lesson in his absence.

So now I've been thinking, when I die, will people be able to say I really lived? No, I don't live my life with the intention that hopefully someone will say something good about me but it really makes you think. I hate how death is such a wake up call for everything. To get healthy, to reach out to love ones more and to make sure you're living your life to the fullest.

I don't plan on being buried, I want to share my ashes with the world... literally. But I do hope that people wear brightly colored outfits and festive hats because that's way more fun and far less depressing than wearing black. And that's how I want to be remembered. Always looking on the bright side, searching for a silver lining.
Life is just as much about the lives of the people you touch in the process of reaching your destiny. The two are fiercely intertwined. 

Bloom where planted

The universe teaches you major messages in very subtle moments.

As much as 28 has been the year of the adult so far, I have a feeling its the year of self as well. When thinking about how I wanted this yr to be, I wanted a solid foundation and I wanted to focus more on me. Is that selfish, yes! Yes it is. Its important to be selfish sometimes and I'm realizing that. I can't be the woman I want to be and the woman everyone expects me to be without taking care of myself. That may seem selfish to some but I deserve a chance to put myself first for a change. I've been feeling this way for a while but I had a major realization today as I was getting ready for my weekly Sunday Nap.

Sunday is my favorite day. I don't have to work, I sometimes meet friends for brunch, I get to cuddle with Rue and take naps and its VENUE day. I've officially been going to my church for a yr. Exactly 1 yr ago: I got a new car, I got a puppy, I got a new job and I started going to this amazing church where the pastor actually talks about living your fullest life and not how you can be happy once you get to heaven but how bring heaven to your life. And a year later, I'm a home owner. Really big changes. Mostly changes that are "uncharacteristic" of who I thought I was and what others expected of me. I'm realizing that who I know I am and who others make me out to be are two very different people. Both great in their own right. I've always felt myself to be free spirited, happy, a go with the flow sort of person. Which is what others see as well. There is also the side of me who is extremely introverted
 (ambivert really), reflective and feels things very deeply. I'm not happy all the time, I'm human. sometimes I am quiet, because I'm probably plotting something or singing a song in my head. I can be on when I need to be but most of the time I rather read books, drink wine and take a nap.  As free spirited as I am,  I also crave and thrive off stability. I never knew why that was so important, until my nap time realization today.

The universe (God, Jah... call It what you want) and I have our moments. After realizing that this time last yr was when the shift toward consistency and solid foundations really began, I started to think of the "bloom where you're planted" quote. So cliche' but so relevant. My aloe plant is doing awesome in the new house. Same pot, but in a new spot by the window. The aloe has a spot where its getting everything it needs so of course its going to grow- and ready to be replanted again.  It hit me, I'm like that aloe. I'm in a place in my life where I'm getting most of what I need. I'm starting a career, I feel positive about the season that I'm coming into despite some difficult lessons along the way. Its as if the universe was preparing me for this "blooming" season. How can the universe/ God give me the tools I need to help me grow into the person I'm suppose to be if I'm so inconsistent? Its almost as if God was trying to send me a gift but didn't know where to send it because I was all over the place mentally, spiritually and physically. Queen of abstract analogies but I do feel like I got it today. I didn't know why God/universe wanted me here. I knew there was a reason but I was looking for something "bigger". Maybe its for school, or a partner or another job down the road. That may be part of it, but there is a bigger reason. No plant will grow without solid roots, and I have solid roots here. Not even considering the fact that I grew up here. I have brand new connections and friends that I didn't have before and I'm not the same girl as I was when I graduated high school- thank goodness- and its time to come into my own here. This was the place I am supposed to be for this season of my life and I get it.

Its pretty awesome when you have an " I get it" moment with the universe. I don't have to stifle myself because of the past and misconceptions. I can stand firm in the fact that I know who I am... or getting closer to knowing exactly who I am. I always dreaded staying home because I felt people would judge me because of my past. But if they are that preoccupied with the little girl I was in high school... then who really has the issue here?

There's more layers to the "blooming " part and more aspects of me that need work but I feel good about this season of my life. I know growth is coming because I now understand its ok to content in a season without being stagnant. I also now realize that its ok to work on me because that gets me closer to being the person that everyone "needs" me to be.

Speaking of all this growth and blooming, I hope my hair grows fast because I chopped it all off and I miss it already! There's levels to this growth thing

..... 

28: year of the adult!

You would think that since I deleted Facebook, I would be a bit better about updating my blog. One of my personal goals this year- stay attached and connected.... when I want to. Lots has happen since I wrote last yr, indicated by the ice cream truck outside my HOUSE! Yup, I bought a house.  No more basements for me. 28 has been and interesting year already. I've only been 28 for 2 mos and I've changed my view on relationships, completed my 1 yr anniversary with my job and I bought a house. For someone who is - dare I say has a phobia of commitment, 2 out of the 3 of those are pretty major to me. Notice how I'm avoiding that relationship one, Yup, still avoiding.

It's really strange to see where I am compared to 3 yrs ago, travelling through Africa ending a 2 yr Peace Corps stint. The girl who traveled on a whim and always had a bag packed is finally grounded. For the past year I've wanted a sense of stability, but I've always felt like it wasn't meant for me or a part of who I am. Since turning 18, I haven't stayed anywhere longer than 2 yrs. Even in College, I was in DC more than I was in Maryville or Chattanooga. The plan was always to finish School and move to DC. Peace Corps happened but the plan was still to move to DC once I was done. Of course plans change and life takes unexpected detours but I have a strange sense of peace about staying in my home town. My parents are here and after 2 yrs of only seeing them in pictures and countless Sunday night missed calls, I feel like I need to be here. I could look at it different ways and say that I'm finally not running anymore. I always traveled- even in the states- to get away from something. Maybe to get away of the perception that people had of me. As much as I have a free spirit and a head constantly in the clouds, people have this idea that I have it all together. Hardly.  I traveled because other countries live the simple life. No student loans, no mortgage payments, no time crunches or deadlines but for this season of my life, this is where I need to be.  My pastor- that's strange to, but that's a topic for another day- talked about being content in your season while knowing it will change. He also talked about how God places you right where you need to be for a reason. Nothing is by accident and everything is a part of a bigger plan. I know that I am here for a reason, its just finding that reason. I do feel like I am in a different season. A season to focus on me and my goals. A season to no longer have a contradictory perception of myself but to become who I know I am. My new year's word for 2015 is AWAKENING. I feel like there is a lot of good things in the works for me this year, but this yr is really about coming into my own and realizing who I am and getting closer to who I'm meant to be. 

I'm All in!

Funny how clarity works.
    I started going to Venue Church April 2014. I just started a new job, got a dog and bought my first car. Too many changes for my brain to keep up with. In between looking in the lot for cars and having a panic attack inside the dealership, I noticed people outside with big orange signs promoting a church. Great, just what Chattanooga needs, another church. But instantly it was different. There were young men excited about a church. That's a rarity, I'd never seen that before. I put it in the back of my mind and thought nothing else of it.
   A few weeks later, the Saturday after Easter, something told me to find that Church. I didn't know the name, I just remembered the big Orange signs. I found something on Facebook of course that said the name of the new Church was Venue. I went and I can honestly say my life has been forever changed.
   Fast forward to this morning. Pastor Tavner started a new series, " All in" and the first message was about the culture of Venue Church, the Venue way. Of course I knew it. I did my research back in April, I heard it while volunteering with Venue kids but it finally hit me this morning. Everything started to make sense again. Why I moved back to Chattanooga when I was on the path to leave the city again, why I was drawn to the Church, why I felt God every single time I entered the Church. Everything I have wanted and fought so hard for in myself and life is wrapped up in the vision of this Church, and the vision that God has for me. Sounds cheesy but its true.

1) " We serve like crazy"- I have always had the heart to serve, and knew that it was a major part of who I am. My 27months in PeaceCorps was no accident, Zambia was no accident. I prayed for it, wanted it more than anything.  Not every PeaceCorps volunteer makes it. Its not an easy thing to do. New country, new language, new life for 2 yrs. I didn't see my family for 2yrs and was completely out of my comfort zone. No electricity or plumbing, living and working in a rural village adapting to a new way of life. This isn't a sympathy ploy, just the reality that while serving is amazing and fulfilling it is also a huge sacrifice. More so then I ever expected. But it also made me who I am now, so I know there was method to the madness.

2)" We are radically Obedient"- This is something I want so badly and have been striving for since coming home from Peace Corps. Knowing God has a plan but being unafraid to follow. I was so caught up in leaving again, not wanting to stay in Chattanooga. I was born here, raised here, left here for a reason, but was called back. I lost my job in Feb and could have used that as a one way ticket out of this town, but I knew that I was suppose to stay here for a reason.

3) "We give until it hurts"- One of my favorite things about Venue is how excited everyone gets when its Tithe and Offering time. At first, I didn't get it. I though it was silly but then after I realized that your heart was tied to your wallet, it all made sense. What you spend your money on is what matters most to you. Makes sense right? So we spend all our money on cars, clothes, food and then complain about how "broke" we are. We've placed materialistic things and addictions before God, but if we would be Obedient and give back a portion of what we have been given then it would be returned to us ten fold. I also love how Pastor Tavner points out that its God's money anyway.

4) " We honor everyone"- I have never felt honored in Church until now. I have always dreaded going to church because I was going to have to sit for hours and listen to how Christians are better than Muslims and Americans are better than everyone else and how if I sin differently than you I am automatically worse. My heart is too big and too open for that. This mindset is what lead me to hate church and even be embarrassed to be a Christian. The second I walked into Venue I was surrounded  by some of the most awesome people in Chattanooga, all radically different than I but invested in the same vision. "We honor in, honor out, honor up."

5) " We strive for excellence"- Pretty simple concept. Venue talks about living your fullest life and that is what God always intended for us. I always strive to be the best version of myself possible. Such a basic concept that is highly overlooked and underrated. Striving for excellence isn't about being better than anyone else or being perfect. Its about giving yourself a chance to be your best self,  Its an outward expression of your inner self.

6) "We pay it forward"- I hear this and I think of the pay it forward concept of buying someone coffee or donating to a charity. Today Pastor Tavner went deeper with his and it hit me hard. Paying it forward is a willingness to be vulnerable and tell your story. As a pretend writer, I believe everyone has a story worth hearing but also worth telling. Today I was reminded that I have an obligation to tell my story. You are healed by opening up to others. I use to be afraid to tell my story because I was embarrassed by it. I've struggled with anxiety for as long I can remember, never telling anyone. Trying to hold off panic attacks so that no one would see. Then  I heard Pastor Tavner's story and it was almost as if a weight was lifted off of me. I can be confused, imperfect, bruised and still be used to help others. Growing up surrounded by church goers, that was never the case. You never know who needs to hear what you've been through to get themselves through. We're all in this together.  "Every number has a name, every name has a story and every story matters to God."

7) " We Pray until something happens"- There is a difference in hope and faith. Hope is when you think something can happened and faith is when you know something will happen. I have been working on this a lot lately. I know in my heart that if I let go and leave things to God it all works out. I have been taught for so long that if it's Gods will it will  happen regardless. This doesn't mean be a slave to meritocracy. You have to help God help you and if you aren't bold and brave to come to God with the things you want it will never happen. If you want a promotion and you never speak up, you'll never get it. That doesn't mean you don't deserve it, you were complacent. Parents want the best for their kids and will do anything to proved that. God sent his son, He did everything to give us the best, same concept. Sometimes I feel like God isn't listening but that's not the case. If you are passive aggressive about prayers and what you want/need how do you expect Him to help? Its not that He doesn't want to, you are giving Him the chance to. Prayer is vulnerability as well. Admitting that you need help and you can't do it alone isn't easy. You either stay stagnant and are consumed in fear, anxiety and confusion or you pray loud and drown everything else out.  Bold prayers will be answered, you just have to have faith.

8) "We know the truth"-  I have literally travelled the world searching for my truth. People reach their truth when they are ready. If you would have told me a few years ago that I was suppose to be in Chattanooga during this season of my life, I would have given you the "judgment face". But this is where I am suppose to be right now. And since I have accepted it, awesome things have happened.

9) "We are Bringers"- I have never been excited about Church or very vocal about my beliefs but all that has changed since going to Venue. I thought that I would walk through the doors of church and combust.. based on what Church experiences were like before. Now I feel so at home at Venue. I love my church, I look forward to Sundays. Its not a stale environment with judgmental people. Its a place full of open hearted quirky people like me! ( I mean that in the best possible way). Its a place full of life, love and community. Its nice to feel like I don't have to through life alone.

10) "We are never finished"- We are all a work in progress and God is not finished using us, using me. I feel a shift happening. In my city, absolutely but in myself as well. I feel like I am getting my spunk back. I feel like I can hear God more. I feel like I am beginning to live my fullest life.

These are the 10 principles that Venue lives by, but principles that I have always lived by as well. Its amazing to be around so many different but like minded people who get it. God has a way of  making you see things clearly, when you're ready. A few months ago, I was in a haze. Nothing was wrong, I just felt lost. I can feel a change within myself. Its all starting to make sense now. It feels good to be " all in" whole heartedly striving to be who you were meant to be.

The Hiatus is over!

  It's been almost 2yrs since I've written a blog entry. Just in time for my 27th birthday. A lot has happened in 2 yrs., well.... duh. I guess the major thing is coming back home. After my 2year stint in Peace Corps Zambia, I guess I'm finally settled back into the Americaland way of life...kinda. Reverse culture shock is as bad as it sounds and will knock even the strongest of people flat on their ass. I fell victim to the slump. Constantly living in a state of nostalgia and longing for something so real yet imaginary. I still feel conflicted and almost trapped in a life that only few people can really understand. Even after 2yrs of being back "home", I'm reluctant to tell people about my life in Zambia. There's a strange dichotomy between being proud of the life you once led and barely believing it yourself. As much as I try to be "normal" again, as if I was ever normal to begin with, Zambia is a part of me. More than a tourist attraction, Zambia has my heart in a way I never thought possible. So instead of trying to "move on" from it like a bad relationship, I'll embrace it as a new found part of me.
      With that said, one of the biggest struggles I've had since being back home is finding balance. A balance between knowing better and wanting more. A balance between who I am, who I was and who I long to be. Balance between simplicity and gratitude. I'm getting better. After a year back, I finally let my parents buy me a microwave. I figured that since I lived without one in Zambia for 2 yrs, I really didn't need one in America, right? WRONG! I'm glad I got over that one. It's hard to explain living without to a society defined by instant gratification. It's hard to explain gratitude to a culture so focused on wanting more. Most of all its hard to live in balance between the two worlds. So in an attempt to find balance and clarity, I figured I would start writing again.
    Every year instead of making a New Year's resolution, I pick a word that I want the year to embody. 2010 was progression, 2011 was balance, 2012 was something along the lines of strength and last yr. was something along the lines of self/enough. This year I picked the word: CLARITY.
      Does this mean in the next year I'll answer all of life's probing questions...please. But it does mean that I will make a conscious effort to gain insight and discover my own truth. I'm only 27 days in but I feel like this is my year, as cliché as it is. I've already had a major realization that has altered the way I look at worth, honesty and relationships. As harsh as it was, I needed it. And I'm beyond grateful for the lesson.
    So as I plunge further into the quarter life, I refuse to be stressed out or depressed by it. Instead here's my attempt to make the most of it. Sure, there will no doubt be some late night tattoo/piercing sessions, bad life choices and glitter dance parties along the way. But.... here's my attempt to find clarity in the quarter life.