Living, merely existing or somewhere in between.

Along with the unfortunate event of death, there are two other life events that make you stop and re-evaluate everything. Your friends getting engaged and your friends having babies.

I turned 27 and everyone started getting engaged and married. I turned 28 and everyone is having babies. I'm not throwing any sort of passive aggressive shade, but when you are literally the only very single and/or very non pregnant person in the room you start feeling some kind of way.

Does getting married and having babies equal a fulfilled life, for some yes and that's fine. Just not for me. But I do think about what living a fulfilled life even means anymore. Is it merely accomplishing everything on my to do list or is it more than that?

I don't feel like I'm living, just merely existing. The last time I really felt like I was living was in Zambia. I do have such a nostalgia for my time there just because I was happy and doing exactly what I was meant to do.  Then I moved back and instead of my life being centered around the next book I would read its centered around the next bill I will pay. I get it. There are responsibilities that come with being an adult, for most of us anyway, but I hate the idea that my life is consumed with meaningless bureaucracy. I feel that our society is set up in a way that only a certain percentage of people are allowed to live while the rest of us just merely exist.

I was created for so much more than that... but what? It's funny how it was so clear what I was supposed to be doing once I went to Zambia. As if my existence led up to that moment, but what now?  Asking myself what I want to do with my life at 28, seems a little late. I just get this overwhelming feeling that I'm supposed to being doing something more, something different, something bigger then what I am now but I have no clue of what that is.

I remember growing up and having these big dreams- I still have big dreams but now they are stifled by realty. So unfortunate how we grow up and sell out to reality.

As cliche' and preachy as it sounds- life is too short to just merely exist. I don't think we were put here to just go through the motions and be satisfied with the bare minimum of life.

But how does one really live their life to the fullest?  Does it mean more things or more relationships? Does a full life equal degrees or experiences? Is it checking things off a bucket list? I'm obviously still trying to figure it out.  Or maybe living a full life is a combination of everything and figuring it out as you go. Who knows? I know life is short but equally beautiful and I dont want the stresses of my 1st world problems to overshadow that.

" I thought you were lazy"

There are some things that I find inherently true about myself, my superpowers if you will. The most prominent yet annoying one happens to be that I take things to heart. Or better put, constantly searching for perspective. This became ever so evident last week when having a 1am talk with my old roommate. She needed to talk and I couldn't sleep so it was a perfect combination.

In an attempt to avoid talking about what was on her mind, the true reason for the 1am phone call, we of course talk about me. Being a good friend and sport, I allowed it which is rare in itself. She told me she had a confession and asked me not to be mad. Great segue into a confession, right. She wanted me to know that she was sorry for not being sensitive about my anxiety and thinking I was lazy in college. Aww how sweet. Wait,What? Lazy? Keep in mind I had a double major in college, volunteered at least 2x/week for my scholarship, was writing a thesis, involved in way too many clubs and was an RA. I wouldn't exactly call that lazy but who knows.  She said that I was always "on" and would come home and lock myself in my room and wouldn't come out unless I needed to. "I thought you were lazy". So its 1am, I'm trying to be a good friend and the conversation turns to this. But I felt oddly validated by her confession.

I know she felt horrible for feeling that way and said she couldn't understand it until she had gone through it herself. And didn't recognize anxiety issues until later. I'm a psych dork and didn't recognize it until I was out of college. Its different when it's you.

It just made me think that you never really know what people are going through.  People may seem one way on the outside but that doesn't mean they aren't battling their own demons within. My anxiety isn't as debilitating as it was in college, I've accepted it and have learned how to deal with it, most days. The hardest disabilities/disorders/illnesses to understand are the ones where you don't see anything physically wrong. I could never understand why I slept so much during the day but was afraid to sleep at night. Why I could speak in front of people and be outgoing but couldn't get out of bed the next day. I never realized that I stayed in my room all the time. Its exhausting being a token and living up to expectations others set for you... But that's for another day.

I felt validated by her comment because it made me feel less crazy. I've tried explaining to people how some days getting out of  bed was an accomplishment in intself and that while I do like people, most days I need time alone. Some people will never understand until they've been through it themselves. Not just with anxiety but with life in general. You never know what someone is going through.

Its just a reminder to step back and try to show empathy and attempt to understand people. And if you can't relate or understand, listening is just as good. 

***Flawless***

A couple things happen when you reach your late 20s. You get a little old and boring. You begin to see things more on a big picture scale. You begin to understand the value of Brunch and bottomless Mimosas . But one thing is for sure, you are bound to end up getting stuck in the middle of wedding season rut. Last year, I was invited to 5 weddings. I love LOVE, so of course I love weddings...But you get fever after going to these things. I have a theme for my pretend wedding...no boyfriend, nor partner or fiance but the guest list and wedding favors are picked out.

As much as I love weddings. I hate them as well. Its a reminder that I'm single, in my late 20s and if I don't meet someone soon... Ill be a spinster! I have a huge problem with this. Why do I feel like I NEED to be married. I can take care of myself, never needed a man or anyone for that matter. But from the time we are girls, we are told that the story is complete only when Mr. tall dark and handsome has "rescued" you. I'm hardly a damsel in distress and can rescue myself... in multiple languages. 

I'm getting really tired of this idea that I have to have a HUSBAND and a family to be successful. I think keeping Rupert alive is a success in itself, I can't even imagine adding little humans to the mix. I'm not exactly where I want to be in life but I have done a lot for being only 28. I need no man and I don't have time to coddle some insecure guy's ego. Sorry not sorry. One of the songs I have to listen to daily is Flawless by Beyonce. I love the song in general but I really listen to it for the expert from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. I really need to listen to every speech she's ever given and read every book she's ever written- simply brilliant. 

She makes so many relevant points about how we have such a ridiculous double standard for girls. We grow up as young girls thinking we have to be the "princess" who has to be saved. But boys are never taught that they are the prince and knight in shining armor. Boys are never taught how to keep a woman but we are taught how to keep a man. Girls who show emotions are weak but girls who are guarded are hurt and tainted. The fairy tale is only complete once the prince finds you.  Really? Society standards are setting relationships up to fail. In my fairy tale, there isn't necessarily a prince. There is an equal. We always hear about finding someone to complete you but I don't need to be completed. Finding someone equally yolked is fine and ideal even but if you need someone to complete you- there are even bigger problems at hand than being 20 something and single. 

I might be a raging feminist and I'm OK with that. I just hate the pressure I feel to be with someone and have a family in order to be successful. Lets not even get started on how the expectation is for me to be with a black male- which probably wont happen- but that's a post for another day. 

Ill never understand why you would want to be with someone who fits nicely in the cookie cutter shape they are expected to be in. Ill never understand how some people are OK with being just another mold of a person. We have so much more freedom as woman- in this country especially- but we don't take advantage of it. We forget our power as woman. We forget our strength. 

I meet people and they are shocked at what I've done in such a short life, but they are even more appalled at the fact that I'm 28 and single. 

Do I want love and a partner? Absolutely to love, eventually to the partner. Love still doesn't equal success or change who I am as a person. So shouldn't I be more focused on being the best me possible...for me? 

Cycle of friends and the downward spiral of acquaintances

 I'm lucky.

Despite my socially awkward tendencies, I have a pretty awesome friend group.  I have some childhood friends, college friends and the ever elusive adulthood friends. But every so often I come across a few people who appear to be friends... but are merely acquaintances.

Friendships are strange. Its almost a mutual codependency that's socially acceptable. I've noticed that each of my friends serve a purpose in my life. I have the friends who are always up for anything. The friends who are great to discus art and culture with, those friends who know you inside out and don't mind your crude unfiltered humor and then there are the friends who live far away but still get you despite the miles.

But the older I get, the more I don't quite get friendships. Sure, blame it on my anxiety  but its almost as if we forget how to be friends as adults. In high school, friendships consisted of long conversations about nothingness and the future. Adult friendships consist of social media and e-vites. As adults, we forget that friendships are more than liked post and pictures. People think they know you by your Facebook post and feel as though that's enough. As if by liking your pictures that's validating you and your friendship. My parents always warned me that friendships would change the older I got. Maybe I'm throwing shade because friendships are extremely important to me. Maybe  I'm hypersensitive to friendships and relationships because my anxiety makes it hard for me (not an excuse just something I am currently accepting and aware of). Or maybe I'm just over this watered down version of friendships.

I've also noticed the older I get, that there is a new category of friend. Friend by obligation. Just because you've known someone forever doesn't mean that you actually have to continue to be friends. People grow and they change but expect for friendships to stay the same and it just doesn't quite work that way... and that's ok. We get older and some friends become acquaintances or the friendship ends all together.

The problem occurs when you feel obligated to be around certain people to spare their feelings or keep peace. That's when resentment sets in. When energy is wasted on pointless conversations, not the high school kind that made you think about life, it might be time to reevaluate things. Not every moment of a friendship has to be world changing and thought provoking, but at the end of the day does that person make you better? Is that person a source of positive energy and encourages you to be your best self? We have such high expectations for partners but half ass our friendship goals. Some friends need more than others, I get it. But if you are the only one giving in a friendship, then what is it really? You shouldn't have to  feel emotionally drained and exhausted every time you are around that person. But then again, we are so use to going through life with an assortment of associates that its almost as if we don't know any better.

In  culture of " one upping" its hard to find people who are genuine in any aspect but especially in a friendship. But once you find those few amazing friends, hold on to them... because good people and good friends are hard to come by.

Don't wear black to my funeral

The past month has been a whirlwind of unfortunate events. My uncle passed away and now my best friend's mom. I'm sure there are some people who deal with death well. I just happen to not be one of them. I shut down, disappear for a while and take a hard look at my life.

The day of my uncle's funeral, my thoughts were flooded with memories of him. How he was the first one to tell me I was a Queen, how he always had some cool story to tell from his days as a radio DJ and how excited he was when I went to Africa, He was my cool uncle. I then started to think about how even when he started getting sick from his diabetes he was still my cool uncle but for much bigger reasons now. He was always full of life and positive energy. If anyone deserved to have a pity party it could've and should've been him, but he never did. He lived his life to the fullest and continues to teach me lesson in his absence.

So now I've been thinking, when I die, will people be able to say I really lived? No, I don't live my life with the intention that hopefully someone will say something good about me but it really makes you think. I hate how death is such a wake up call for everything. To get healthy, to reach out to love ones more and to make sure you're living your life to the fullest.

I don't plan on being buried, I want to share my ashes with the world... literally. But I do hope that people wear brightly colored outfits and festive hats because that's way more fun and far less depressing than wearing black. And that's how I want to be remembered. Always looking on the bright side, searching for a silver lining.
Life is just as much about the lives of the people you touch in the process of reaching your destiny. The two are fiercely intertwined. 

Bloom where planted

The universe teaches you major messages in very subtle moments.

As much as 28 has been the year of the adult so far, I have a feeling its the year of self as well. When thinking about how I wanted this yr to be, I wanted a solid foundation and I wanted to focus more on me. Is that selfish, yes! Yes it is. Its important to be selfish sometimes and I'm realizing that. I can't be the woman I want to be and the woman everyone expects me to be without taking care of myself. That may seem selfish to some but I deserve a chance to put myself first for a change. I've been feeling this way for a while but I had a major realization today as I was getting ready for my weekly Sunday Nap.

Sunday is my favorite day. I don't have to work, I sometimes meet friends for brunch, I get to cuddle with Rue and take naps and its VENUE day. I've officially been going to my church for a yr. Exactly 1 yr ago: I got a new car, I got a puppy, I got a new job and I started going to this amazing church where the pastor actually talks about living your fullest life and not how you can be happy once you get to heaven but how bring heaven to your life. And a year later, I'm a home owner. Really big changes. Mostly changes that are "uncharacteristic" of who I thought I was and what others expected of me. I'm realizing that who I know I am and who others make me out to be are two very different people. Both great in their own right. I've always felt myself to be free spirited, happy, a go with the flow sort of person. Which is what others see as well. There is also the side of me who is extremely introverted
 (ambivert really), reflective and feels things very deeply. I'm not happy all the time, I'm human. sometimes I am quiet, because I'm probably plotting something or singing a song in my head. I can be on when I need to be but most of the time I rather read books, drink wine and take a nap.  As free spirited as I am,  I also crave and thrive off stability. I never knew why that was so important, until my nap time realization today.

The universe (God, Jah... call It what you want) and I have our moments. After realizing that this time last yr was when the shift toward consistency and solid foundations really began, I started to think of the "bloom where you're planted" quote. So cliche' but so relevant. My aloe plant is doing awesome in the new house. Same pot, but in a new spot by the window. The aloe has a spot where its getting everything it needs so of course its going to grow- and ready to be replanted again.  It hit me, I'm like that aloe. I'm in a place in my life where I'm getting most of what I need. I'm starting a career, I feel positive about the season that I'm coming into despite some difficult lessons along the way. Its as if the universe was preparing me for this "blooming" season. How can the universe/ God give me the tools I need to help me grow into the person I'm suppose to be if I'm so inconsistent? Its almost as if God was trying to send me a gift but didn't know where to send it because I was all over the place mentally, spiritually and physically. Queen of abstract analogies but I do feel like I got it today. I didn't know why God/universe wanted me here. I knew there was a reason but I was looking for something "bigger". Maybe its for school, or a partner or another job down the road. That may be part of it, but there is a bigger reason. No plant will grow without solid roots, and I have solid roots here. Not even considering the fact that I grew up here. I have brand new connections and friends that I didn't have before and I'm not the same girl as I was when I graduated high school- thank goodness- and its time to come into my own here. This was the place I am supposed to be for this season of my life and I get it.

Its pretty awesome when you have an " I get it" moment with the universe. I don't have to stifle myself because of the past and misconceptions. I can stand firm in the fact that I know who I am... or getting closer to knowing exactly who I am. I always dreaded staying home because I felt people would judge me because of my past. But if they are that preoccupied with the little girl I was in high school... then who really has the issue here?

There's more layers to the "blooming " part and more aspects of me that need work but I feel good about this season of my life. I know growth is coming because I now understand its ok to content in a season without being stagnant. I also now realize that its ok to work on me because that gets me closer to being the person that everyone "needs" me to be.

Speaking of all this growth and blooming, I hope my hair grows fast because I chopped it all off and I miss it already! There's levels to this growth thing

..... 

28: year of the adult!

You would think that since I deleted Facebook, I would be a bit better about updating my blog. One of my personal goals this year- stay attached and connected.... when I want to. Lots has happen since I wrote last yr, indicated by the ice cream truck outside my HOUSE! Yup, I bought a house.  No more basements for me. 28 has been and interesting year already. I've only been 28 for 2 mos and I've changed my view on relationships, completed my 1 yr anniversary with my job and I bought a house. For someone who is - dare I say has a phobia of commitment, 2 out of the 3 of those are pretty major to me. Notice how I'm avoiding that relationship one, Yup, still avoiding.

It's really strange to see where I am compared to 3 yrs ago, travelling through Africa ending a 2 yr Peace Corps stint. The girl who traveled on a whim and always had a bag packed is finally grounded. For the past year I've wanted a sense of stability, but I've always felt like it wasn't meant for me or a part of who I am. Since turning 18, I haven't stayed anywhere longer than 2 yrs. Even in College, I was in DC more than I was in Maryville or Chattanooga. The plan was always to finish School and move to DC. Peace Corps happened but the plan was still to move to DC once I was done. Of course plans change and life takes unexpected detours but I have a strange sense of peace about staying in my home town. My parents are here and after 2 yrs of only seeing them in pictures and countless Sunday night missed calls, I feel like I need to be here. I could look at it different ways and say that I'm finally not running anymore. I always traveled- even in the states- to get away from something. Maybe to get away of the perception that people had of me. As much as I have a free spirit and a head constantly in the clouds, people have this idea that I have it all together. Hardly.  I traveled because other countries live the simple life. No student loans, no mortgage payments, no time crunches or deadlines but for this season of my life, this is where I need to be.  My pastor- that's strange to, but that's a topic for another day- talked about being content in your season while knowing it will change. He also talked about how God places you right where you need to be for a reason. Nothing is by accident and everything is a part of a bigger plan. I know that I am here for a reason, its just finding that reason. I do feel like I am in a different season. A season to focus on me and my goals. A season to no longer have a contradictory perception of myself but to become who I know I am. My new year's word for 2015 is AWAKENING. I feel like there is a lot of good things in the works for me this year, but this yr is really about coming into my own and realizing who I am and getting closer to who I'm meant to be.