Living, merely existing or somewhere in between.

Along with the unfortunate event of death, there are two other life events that make you stop and re-evaluate everything. Your friends getting engaged and your friends having babies.

I turned 27 and everyone started getting engaged and married. I turned 28 and everyone is having babies. I'm not throwing any sort of passive aggressive shade, but when you are literally the only very single and/or very non pregnant person in the room you start feeling some kind of way.

Does getting married and having babies equal a fulfilled life, for some yes and that's fine. Just not for me. But I do think about what living a fulfilled life even means anymore. Is it merely accomplishing everything on my to do list or is it more than that?

I don't feel like I'm living, just merely existing. The last time I really felt like I was living was in Zambia. I do have such a nostalgia for my time there just because I was happy and doing exactly what I was meant to do.  Then I moved back and instead of my life being centered around the next book I would read its centered around the next bill I will pay. I get it. There are responsibilities that come with being an adult, for most of us anyway, but I hate the idea that my life is consumed with meaningless bureaucracy. I feel that our society is set up in a way that only a certain percentage of people are allowed to live while the rest of us just merely exist.

I was created for so much more than that... but what? It's funny how it was so clear what I was supposed to be doing once I went to Zambia. As if my existence led up to that moment, but what now?  Asking myself what I want to do with my life at 28, seems a little late. I just get this overwhelming feeling that I'm supposed to being doing something more, something different, something bigger then what I am now but I have no clue of what that is.

I remember growing up and having these big dreams- I still have big dreams but now they are stifled by realty. So unfortunate how we grow up and sell out to reality.

As cliche' and preachy as it sounds- life is too short to just merely exist. I don't think we were put here to just go through the motions and be satisfied with the bare minimum of life.

But how does one really live their life to the fullest?  Does it mean more things or more relationships? Does a full life equal degrees or experiences? Is it checking things off a bucket list? I'm obviously still trying to figure it out.  Or maybe living a full life is a combination of everything and figuring it out as you go. Who knows? I know life is short but equally beautiful and I dont want the stresses of my 1st world problems to overshadow that.

" I thought you were lazy"

There are some things that I find inherently true about myself, my superpowers if you will. The most prominent yet annoying one happens to be that I take things to heart. Or better put, constantly searching for perspective. This became ever so evident last week when having a 1am talk with my old roommate. She needed to talk and I couldn't sleep so it was a perfect combination.

In an attempt to avoid talking about what was on her mind, the true reason for the 1am phone call, we of course talk about me. Being a good friend and sport, I allowed it which is rare in itself. She told me she had a confession and asked me not to be mad. Great segue into a confession, right. She wanted me to know that she was sorry for not being sensitive about my anxiety and thinking I was lazy in college. Aww how sweet. Wait,What? Lazy? Keep in mind I had a double major in college, volunteered at least 2x/week for my scholarship, was writing a thesis, involved in way too many clubs and was an RA. I wouldn't exactly call that lazy but who knows.  She said that I was always "on" and would come home and lock myself in my room and wouldn't come out unless I needed to. "I thought you were lazy". So its 1am, I'm trying to be a good friend and the conversation turns to this. But I felt oddly validated by her confession.

I know she felt horrible for feeling that way and said she couldn't understand it until she had gone through it herself. And didn't recognize anxiety issues until later. I'm a psych dork and didn't recognize it until I was out of college. Its different when it's you.

It just made me think that you never really know what people are going through.  People may seem one way on the outside but that doesn't mean they aren't battling their own demons within. My anxiety isn't as debilitating as it was in college, I've accepted it and have learned how to deal with it, most days. The hardest disabilities/disorders/illnesses to understand are the ones where you don't see anything physically wrong. I could never understand why I slept so much during the day but was afraid to sleep at night. Why I could speak in front of people and be outgoing but couldn't get out of bed the next day. I never realized that I stayed in my room all the time. Its exhausting being a token and living up to expectations others set for you... But that's for another day.

I felt validated by her comment because it made me feel less crazy. I've tried explaining to people how some days getting out of  bed was an accomplishment in intself and that while I do like people, most days I need time alone. Some people will never understand until they've been through it themselves. Not just with anxiety but with life in general. You never know what someone is going through.

Its just a reminder to step back and try to show empathy and attempt to understand people. And if you can't relate or understand, listening is just as good.