Oh, I get it!

     Its been too long! I received a gentle reminder at a friends celebration of life/memorial, that writing gives me peace and I should do it more often. Thanks Myke, point taken!

     SO much has gone on in the last 6 months for me. With everything going on, I felt this strange uneasy feeling. Thinking it was just the stress from work, I ignored it. It came to a point 3 weeks ago where I couldn't sleep and had no appetite,which is the opposite of my stress coping. In an insomniac stupor, I did some research. I felt incredibility unsettled and not of my truth. Everything I found showed that this is indication of a shift. Not in the the typical sense of me having too big a heart and not knowing how to fix things, but cognitive dissonance to the max. I knew something was happening because the last time I felt like this was before Peace Corps. Being the tree huger that I am, the shift made sense. Apparently when these big shifts happen, it means an awakening of some sort. This could spiritually, emotionally, professionally and trigger an incredible amount of personal growth when you get to the other side of it. Getting to the other side is the hard part. I don't know if it was the change in medication, separation of migrant families or my toxic work environment but I knew something was coming. I had been applying to jobs, got offers from some but it wasn't right and my loyalty to the people I worked for became more important than my loyalty to my self. Id love to say that's never happened before, but we know better.

     I found a position at a non profit being a resource connector for students, teachers and families - Community School Coordinator to be specific. Instantly, I began crying when I saw the posting. In fairness, I cry when the wind blows but it felt right. I applied reluctantly, not because I didn't want it but because my confidence had been torn down after a failed promotion. But when something is for you, there's nothing you or anyone else can do to keep you from that. I pride myself on hearing God speak but I'm also honest enough to admit that most of the time I am screaming to loud to hear Him. But I heard it very clearly, that it was time for me to leave the job I had. Not only was it becoming toxic and unhealthy but I wasn't using the gifts I was given and my purpose is to work hands on with children and families. I love the ladies I work with and always will, but growth is important and no one should ever feel stifled or be forced to settle.  I heard that so clearly, I couldn't ignore it if I tried. I applied for the job I saw and after a 2 interview process I got it. While I was happy, I was so uncertain. Who leaves the cushy job I had to go BACK into the non profit world? They aren't going to pay for school and its a pay cut whats wrong with you? Is the really what God is telling me or am I just looking for a way out?

     I love how sometimes God lets me have a pity part and then other times He quiets the storms of my mind so ferociously (# savagejesus). That's the thing I love about my creator and the thing I love about our relationship. He is exactly what I need Him to be every.single.time.  It took a lot for me to leave but as soon as I put in my notice, peace washed over me. There are a lot of uncertainties but I still feel peace. It means I made the right decision.  He knew I wouldn't leave willingly so He had to push me along a little. While the process hurt,  it was needed and I have more clarity and appreciation for the process. I have learned a lot this past year as I started grad school. I can do ANYTHING but I can't do EVERYTHING and my valued and proprieties need to be my guide. The most important lesson is that there is a CLEAR plan over my life. I might not understand it all yet, or even follow the quickest path to get there.  The simple glimpses I see of it fill and fuel me and I find so much in taking even a tiny step to finding my truth.

     His timing is always perfect, your voice should always be heard and you should always speak life and have life spoken over you. 

Sit and wait for who?!

Merry Christmas! Nothing like an early morning rant to put me in the Christmas spirit. During my usual insomniac moment around 2 am, I checked my phone to see I had at some point received this lovely picture message from one of my favorite women. My immediate 2 am response was " Nope, I'm not sitting and waiting for no man but Jesus". Well,  IT IS Christmas. But underneath the sassy undertones of that message was sadness.  I hate how women have this image of sitting and waiting for the right man to come into their lives and change everything. Early Disney fairytales had it so wrong. There is absolutely noting wrong with wanting a partner, Hell I want one too. But the problem is when this thought and artificial need consumes you. The idea that the "perfect" man is out there and you have to sit and wait for him to get his s**t together is absurd. I should preface by saying this rant is also triggered by the most beautiful message I received last night at Christmas Eve service.

God is brilliant in the way He works and speaks to you. The title of the message was " Its a new beginning", since Jesus being the light of the world was a new start.  My pastor was speaking truth and life over everyone and all of a sudden he says that he felt like he was supposed to tell someone something. That he was supposed to tell a young woman that "love from a man is not going to feel the void". MIND BLOWN. I have been struggling with the single thing myself lately. I am finally ok with the idea of wanting a partner but lately I have been consumed with the idea, which is very much out of my character. So hearing my Pastor say that was just a testament to *Jah's brilliant timing.*I tend to use Jah and God interchangeably. Jah being short for Jehovah. I then felt this thought/ image/presence say, " I will send him when I send him but first lets work on you". Got it! I heard that one loud and clear. I have been praying for healing (mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically) and feeling like I am not being my authentic self or that I don't even know who my authentic self is anymore. Now my friend could have a very good grasp of who she is, so I was totally projecting in my sassy response.  It just made me realize that instead of being consumed with this idea of finding a partner, I need to be consumed in finding myself. Not only in an attempt to be a better future partner but to be a better me and a brighter light. 

So if you're constantly working on you and happy with yourself, you don't have time to sit and wait for a partner, they will find you when you're being your best self. And if they don't find you? Its not time, and that's a whole other post about patience and faith. 

Never too old to be stood up

      Seriously, this is the only blog I've written this year? But I've written so many in my head! This year has been a year of marginal defeat and extreme enlightenment. I dub this the "even though" season of my life.  It started with not being accepted to grad school and continues with being stood up for a date. I am learning that there's a heightened sense of self and clarity that comes with this season of "even though".
    So I am not very good at this dating thing. I don't understand hints, I'm oblivious to any one interested in me and my anxiety kicks in when I am not in full control. ( I also believe in putting the crazy on the table so we all know what we're dealing with, but I digress.) So when I get asked out for a lunch date but not given an exact time or place,  I get a little nervous. I'm sitting at home after a lovely hike with an awesome friend waiting for a plan. My first instinct is to text him and inquire but if he's interested he would have already given me some sort of heads up right? I come up with all sorts of excuses: he sleeps late remember don't worry he'll text you when he wakes up; maybe he's still figuring out where to take you for lunch since you're vegan; maybe he's waiting because he knew you were going on a hike... excuses excuses! Lunch slowly turns into dinner and it's 5pm. and I've heard nothing from him all day. I'm hangry and annoyed that my day has been spent not eating and sitting by a phone. Still giving him the benefit of the doubt, I text to see if he still wants to go out. He says yes but that he couldn't think of a place. I name the place, I ask him to name a time. Nothing. I suggest a time. Nothing. at 6:30 I decided it was time to open up a bottle of white wine and cuddle with my dog- Rupert is way better company anyway.
       What did I learn from this? Some guys are jerks? White wine hangovers are not as bad as red wine hangovers?
         I learned a lot from this. I go into certain situations with no expectations and for me with a lack of expectation there is a lack of standards. Sometimes I forget my worth and that gets me into trouble. Not just with people but with other aspects of my life as well. As flexible and as laid back as I try to be, I do deserve more than just a cryptic text that leads to waiting by the phone. I deserve my time to be appreciated just as much as theirs. I deserve effort!!!  In those moments of insecurity and forgetting my worth I feed in to society's  perpetuation of "you should be happy that".... "You should be happy that he asked you out," "you should be happy that someone was interested", "you should be happy that you dodged a bullet." Well if I would have been mindful and kept with my intent then I never would have accepted the date or even talked to him to begin with. We're inadvertently told to accept certain situations for what they are but if its not aligned with our purpose then why are we wasting our time? If you are an indecisive, inconsiderate little boy who's not ready to handle a queen, that is fine! Just stay in your own lane, make room for someone worth the effort and stop wasting my time.
   This transfers to other aspects of life as well. If I would have applied to a grad school program more aligned with my intent/purpose then my passion would have be genuine and undeniable and my essays would have gotten me in. Instead, I applied somewhere easy and to a program that was safe. So much of life is taking a leap of faith and knowing it will work out. But when your leaps of faith become little hops in a easy, safe direction then have you settled? Big thought provoking questions coming from being stood up but I have been thinking that I am taking the easy, safe route and that's just not apart of the plan for me. We get comfortable and for get we were meant for something more and sometime it take being stood up to wake you up and remind you of who you are.
       So "even though" this year as been full of self doubt, heart break, insecurity and uncertainty- it is just a season and I am grateful for it. It only gets me closer to my purpose and will make me appreciate it that much more when I get there!

Be Bold, Don't settle and Live intentionally 

Living, merely existing or somewhere in between.

Along with the unfortunate event of death, there are two other life events that make you stop and re-evaluate everything. Your friends getting engaged and your friends having babies.

I turned 27 and everyone started getting engaged and married. I turned 28 and everyone is having babies. I'm not throwing any sort of passive aggressive shade, but when you are literally the only very single and/or very non pregnant person in the room you start feeling some kind of way.

Does getting married and having babies equal a fulfilled life, for some yes and that's fine. Just not for me. But I do think about what living a fulfilled life even means anymore. Is it merely accomplishing everything on my to do list or is it more than that?

I don't feel like I'm living, just merely existing. The last time I really felt like I was living was in Zambia. I do have such a nostalgia for my time there just because I was happy and doing exactly what I was meant to do.  Then I moved back and instead of my life being centered around the next book I would read its centered around the next bill I will pay. I get it. There are responsibilities that come with being an adult, for most of us anyway, but I hate the idea that my life is consumed with meaningless bureaucracy. I feel that our society is set up in a way that only a certain percentage of people are allowed to live while the rest of us just merely exist.

I was created for so much more than that... but what? It's funny how it was so clear what I was supposed to be doing once I went to Zambia. As if my existence led up to that moment, but what now?  Asking myself what I want to do with my life at 28, seems a little late. I just get this overwhelming feeling that I'm supposed to being doing something more, something different, something bigger then what I am now but I have no clue of what that is.

I remember growing up and having these big dreams- I still have big dreams but now they are stifled by realty. So unfortunate how we grow up and sell out to reality.

As cliche' and preachy as it sounds- life is too short to just merely exist. I don't think we were put here to just go through the motions and be satisfied with the bare minimum of life.

But how does one really live their life to the fullest?  Does it mean more things or more relationships? Does a full life equal degrees or experiences? Is it checking things off a bucket list? I'm obviously still trying to figure it out.  Or maybe living a full life is a combination of everything and figuring it out as you go. Who knows? I know life is short but equally beautiful and I dont want the stresses of my 1st world problems to overshadow that.

" I thought you were lazy"

There are some things that I find inherently true about myself, my superpowers if you will. The most prominent yet annoying one happens to be that I take things to heart. Or better put, constantly searching for perspective. This became ever so evident last week when having a 1am talk with my old roommate. She needed to talk and I couldn't sleep so it was a perfect combination.

In an attempt to avoid talking about what was on her mind, the true reason for the 1am phone call, we of course talk about me. Being a good friend and sport, I allowed it which is rare in itself. She told me she had a confession and asked me not to be mad. Great segue into a confession, right. She wanted me to know that she was sorry for not being sensitive about my anxiety and thinking I was lazy in college. Aww how sweet. Wait,What? Lazy? Keep in mind I had a double major in college, volunteered at least 2x/week for my scholarship, was writing a thesis, involved in way too many clubs and was an RA. I wouldn't exactly call that lazy but who knows.  She said that I was always "on" and would come home and lock myself in my room and wouldn't come out unless I needed to. "I thought you were lazy". So its 1am, I'm trying to be a good friend and the conversation turns to this. But I felt oddly validated by her confession.

I know she felt horrible for feeling that way and said she couldn't understand it until she had gone through it herself. And didn't recognize anxiety issues until later. I'm a psych dork and didn't recognize it until I was out of college. Its different when it's you.

It just made me think that you never really know what people are going through.  People may seem one way on the outside but that doesn't mean they aren't battling their own demons within. My anxiety isn't as debilitating as it was in college, I've accepted it and have learned how to deal with it, most days. The hardest disabilities/disorders/illnesses to understand are the ones where you don't see anything physically wrong. I could never understand why I slept so much during the day but was afraid to sleep at night. Why I could speak in front of people and be outgoing but couldn't get out of bed the next day. I never realized that I stayed in my room all the time. Its exhausting being a token and living up to expectations others set for you... But that's for another day.

I felt validated by her comment because it made me feel less crazy. I've tried explaining to people how some days getting out of  bed was an accomplishment in intself and that while I do like people, most days I need time alone. Some people will never understand until they've been through it themselves. Not just with anxiety but with life in general. You never know what someone is going through.

Its just a reminder to step back and try to show empathy and attempt to understand people. And if you can't relate or understand, listening is just as good. 

***Flawless***

A couple things happen when you reach your late 20s. You get a little old and boring. You begin to see things more on a big picture scale. You begin to understand the value of Brunch and bottomless Mimosas . But one thing is for sure, you are bound to end up getting stuck in the middle of wedding season rut. Last year, I was invited to 5 weddings. I love LOVE, so of course I love weddings...But you get fever after going to these things. I have a theme for my pretend wedding...no boyfriend, nor partner or fiance but the guest list and wedding favors are picked out.

As much as I love weddings. I hate them as well. Its a reminder that I'm single, in my late 20s and if I don't meet someone soon... Ill be a spinster! I have a huge problem with this. Why do I feel like I NEED to be married. I can take care of myself, never needed a man or anyone for that matter. But from the time we are girls, we are told that the story is complete only when Mr. tall dark and handsome has "rescued" you. I'm hardly a damsel in distress and can rescue myself... in multiple languages. 

I'm getting really tired of this idea that I have to have a HUSBAND and a family to be successful. I think keeping Rupert alive is a success in itself, I can't even imagine adding little humans to the mix. I'm not exactly where I want to be in life but I have done a lot for being only 28. I need no man and I don't have time to coddle some insecure guy's ego. Sorry not sorry. One of the songs I have to listen to daily is Flawless by Beyonce. I love the song in general but I really listen to it for the expert from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. I really need to listen to every speech she's ever given and read every book she's ever written- simply brilliant. 

She makes so many relevant points about how we have such a ridiculous double standard for girls. We grow up as young girls thinking we have to be the "princess" who has to be saved. But boys are never taught that they are the prince and knight in shining armor. Boys are never taught how to keep a woman but we are taught how to keep a man. Girls who show emotions are weak but girls who are guarded are hurt and tainted. The fairy tale is only complete once the prince finds you.  Really? Society standards are setting relationships up to fail. In my fairy tale, there isn't necessarily a prince. There is an equal. We always hear about finding someone to complete you but I don't need to be completed. Finding someone equally yolked is fine and ideal even but if you need someone to complete you- there are even bigger problems at hand than being 20 something and single. 

I might be a raging feminist and I'm OK with that. I just hate the pressure I feel to be with someone and have a family in order to be successful. Lets not even get started on how the expectation is for me to be with a black male- which probably wont happen- but that's a post for another day. 

Ill never understand why you would want to be with someone who fits nicely in the cookie cutter shape they are expected to be in. Ill never understand how some people are OK with being just another mold of a person. We have so much more freedom as woman- in this country especially- but we don't take advantage of it. We forget our power as woman. We forget our strength. 

I meet people and they are shocked at what I've done in such a short life, but they are even more appalled at the fact that I'm 28 and single. 

Do I want love and a partner? Absolutely to love, eventually to the partner. Love still doesn't equal success or change who I am as a person. So shouldn't I be more focused on being the best me possible...for me? 

Cycle of friends and the downward spiral of acquaintances

 I'm lucky.

Despite my socially awkward tendencies, I have a pretty awesome friend group.  I have some childhood friends, college friends and the ever elusive adulthood friends. But every so often I come across a few people who appear to be friends... but are merely acquaintances.

Friendships are strange. Its almost a mutual codependency that's socially acceptable. I've noticed that each of my friends serve a purpose in my life. I have the friends who are always up for anything. The friends who are great to discus art and culture with, those friends who know you inside out and don't mind your crude unfiltered humor and then there are the friends who live far away but still get you despite the miles.

But the older I get, the more I don't quite get friendships. Sure, blame it on my anxiety  but its almost as if we forget how to be friends as adults. In high school, friendships consisted of long conversations about nothingness and the future. Adult friendships consist of social media and e-vites. As adults, we forget that friendships are more than liked post and pictures. People think they know you by your Facebook post and feel as though that's enough. As if by liking your pictures that's validating you and your friendship. My parents always warned me that friendships would change the older I got. Maybe I'm throwing shade because friendships are extremely important to me. Maybe  I'm hypersensitive to friendships and relationships because my anxiety makes it hard for me (not an excuse just something I am currently accepting and aware of). Or maybe I'm just over this watered down version of friendships.

I've also noticed the older I get, that there is a new category of friend. Friend by obligation. Just because you've known someone forever doesn't mean that you actually have to continue to be friends. People grow and they change but expect for friendships to stay the same and it just doesn't quite work that way... and that's ok. We get older and some friends become acquaintances or the friendship ends all together.

The problem occurs when you feel obligated to be around certain people to spare their feelings or keep peace. That's when resentment sets in. When energy is wasted on pointless conversations, not the high school kind that made you think about life, it might be time to reevaluate things. Not every moment of a friendship has to be world changing and thought provoking, but at the end of the day does that person make you better? Is that person a source of positive energy and encourages you to be your best self? We have such high expectations for partners but half ass our friendship goals. Some friends need more than others, I get it. But if you are the only one giving in a friendship, then what is it really? You shouldn't have to  feel emotionally drained and exhausted every time you are around that person. But then again, we are so use to going through life with an assortment of associates that its almost as if we don't know any better.

In  culture of " one upping" its hard to find people who are genuine in any aspect but especially in a friendship. But once you find those few amazing friends, hold on to them... because good people and good friends are hard to come by.