***Flawless***

A couple things happen when you reach your late 20s. You get a little old and boring. You begin to see things more on a big picture scale. You begin to understand the value of Brunch and bottomless Mimosas . But one thing is for sure, you are bound to end up getting stuck in the middle of wedding season rut. Last year, I was invited to 5 weddings. I love LOVE, so of course I love weddings...But you get fever after going to these things. I have a theme for my pretend wedding...no boyfriend, nor partner or fiance but the guest list and wedding favors are picked out.

As much as I love weddings. I hate them as well. Its a reminder that I'm single, in my late 20s and if I don't meet someone soon... Ill be a spinster! I have a huge problem with this. Why do I feel like I NEED to be married. I can take care of myself, never needed a man or anyone for that matter. But from the time we are girls, we are told that the story is complete only when Mr. tall dark and handsome has "rescued" you. I'm hardly a damsel in distress and can rescue myself... in multiple languages. 

I'm getting really tired of this idea that I have to have a HUSBAND and a family to be successful. I think keeping Rupert alive is a success in itself, I can't even imagine adding little humans to the mix. I'm not exactly where I want to be in life but I have done a lot for being only 28. I need no man and I don't have time to coddle some insecure guy's ego. Sorry not sorry. One of the songs I have to listen to daily is Flawless by Beyonce. I love the song in general but I really listen to it for the expert from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. I really need to listen to every speech she's ever given and read every book she's ever written- simply brilliant. 

She makes so many relevant points about how we have such a ridiculous double standard for girls. We grow up as young girls thinking we have to be the "princess" who has to be saved. But boys are never taught that they are the prince and knight in shining armor. Boys are never taught how to keep a woman but we are taught how to keep a man. Girls who show emotions are weak but girls who are guarded are hurt and tainted. The fairy tale is only complete once the prince finds you.  Really? Society standards are setting relationships up to fail. In my fairy tale, there isn't necessarily a prince. There is an equal. We always hear about finding someone to complete you but I don't need to be completed. Finding someone equally yolked is fine and ideal even but if you need someone to complete you- there are even bigger problems at hand than being 20 something and single. 

I might be a raging feminist and I'm OK with that. I just hate the pressure I feel to be with someone and have a family in order to be successful. Lets not even get started on how the expectation is for me to be with a black male- which probably wont happen- but that's a post for another day. 

Ill never understand why you would want to be with someone who fits nicely in the cookie cutter shape they are expected to be in. Ill never understand how some people are OK with being just another mold of a person. We have so much more freedom as woman- in this country especially- but we don't take advantage of it. We forget our power as woman. We forget our strength. 

I meet people and they are shocked at what I've done in such a short life, but they are even more appalled at the fact that I'm 28 and single. 

Do I want love and a partner? Absolutely to love, eventually to the partner. Love still doesn't equal success or change who I am as a person. So shouldn't I be more focused on being the best me possible...for me? 

Cycle of friends and the downward spiral of acquaintances

 I'm lucky.

Despite my socially awkward tendencies, I have a pretty awesome friend group.  I have some childhood friends, college friends and the ever elusive adulthood friends. But every so often I come across a few people who appear to be friends... but are merely acquaintances.

Friendships are strange. Its almost a mutual codependency that's socially acceptable. I've noticed that each of my friends serve a purpose in my life. I have the friends who are always up for anything. The friends who are great to discus art and culture with, those friends who know you inside out and don't mind your crude unfiltered humor and then there are the friends who live far away but still get you despite the miles.

But the older I get, the more I don't quite get friendships. Sure, blame it on my anxiety  but its almost as if we forget how to be friends as adults. In high school, friendships consisted of long conversations about nothingness and the future. Adult friendships consist of social media and e-vites. As adults, we forget that friendships are more than liked post and pictures. People think they know you by your Facebook post and feel as though that's enough. As if by liking your pictures that's validating you and your friendship. My parents always warned me that friendships would change the older I got. Maybe I'm throwing shade because friendships are extremely important to me. Maybe  I'm hypersensitive to friendships and relationships because my anxiety makes it hard for me (not an excuse just something I am currently accepting and aware of). Or maybe I'm just over this watered down version of friendships.

I've also noticed the older I get, that there is a new category of friend. Friend by obligation. Just because you've known someone forever doesn't mean that you actually have to continue to be friends. People grow and they change but expect for friendships to stay the same and it just doesn't quite work that way... and that's ok. We get older and some friends become acquaintances or the friendship ends all together.

The problem occurs when you feel obligated to be around certain people to spare their feelings or keep peace. That's when resentment sets in. When energy is wasted on pointless conversations, not the high school kind that made you think about life, it might be time to reevaluate things. Not every moment of a friendship has to be world changing and thought provoking, but at the end of the day does that person make you better? Is that person a source of positive energy and encourages you to be your best self? We have such high expectations for partners but half ass our friendship goals. Some friends need more than others, I get it. But if you are the only one giving in a friendship, then what is it really? You shouldn't have to  feel emotionally drained and exhausted every time you are around that person. But then again, we are so use to going through life with an assortment of associates that its almost as if we don't know any better.

In  culture of " one upping" its hard to find people who are genuine in any aspect but especially in a friendship. But once you find those few amazing friends, hold on to them... because good people and good friends are hard to come by.

Don't wear black to my funeral

The past month has been a whirlwind of unfortunate events. My uncle passed away and now my best friend's mom. I'm sure there are some people who deal with death well. I just happen to not be one of them. I shut down, disappear for a while and take a hard look at my life.

The day of my uncle's funeral, my thoughts were flooded with memories of him. How he was the first one to tell me I was a Queen, how he always had some cool story to tell from his days as a radio DJ and how excited he was when I went to Africa, He was my cool uncle. I then started to think about how even when he started getting sick from his diabetes he was still my cool uncle but for much bigger reasons now. He was always full of life and positive energy. If anyone deserved to have a pity party it could've and should've been him, but he never did. He lived his life to the fullest and continues to teach me lesson in his absence.

So now I've been thinking, when I die, will people be able to say I really lived? No, I don't live my life with the intention that hopefully someone will say something good about me but it really makes you think. I hate how death is such a wake up call for everything. To get healthy, to reach out to love ones more and to make sure you're living your life to the fullest.

I don't plan on being buried, I want to share my ashes with the world... literally. But I do hope that people wear brightly colored outfits and festive hats because that's way more fun and far less depressing than wearing black. And that's how I want to be remembered. Always looking on the bright side, searching for a silver lining.
Life is just as much about the lives of the people you touch in the process of reaching your destiny. The two are fiercely intertwined.