Seriously, this is the only blog I've written this year? But I've written so many in my head! This year has been a year of marginal defeat and extreme enlightenment. I dub this the "even though" season of my life. It started with not being accepted to grad school and continues with being stood up for a date. I am learning that there's a heightened sense of self and clarity that comes with this season of "even though".
So I am not very good at this dating thing. I don't understand hints, I'm oblivious to any one interested in me and my anxiety kicks in when I am not in full control. ( I also believe in putting the crazy on the table so we all know what we're dealing with, but I digress.) So when I get asked out for a lunch date but not given an exact time or place, I get a little nervous. I'm sitting at home after a lovely hike with an awesome friend waiting for a plan. My first instinct is to text him and inquire but if he's interested he would have already given me some sort of heads up right? I come up with all sorts of excuses: he sleeps late remember don't worry he'll text you when he wakes up; maybe he's still figuring out where to take you for lunch since you're vegan; maybe he's waiting because he knew you were going on a hike... excuses excuses! Lunch slowly turns into dinner and it's 5pm. and I've heard nothing from him all day. I'm hangry and annoyed that my day has been spent not eating and sitting by a phone. Still giving him the benefit of the doubt, I text to see if he still wants to go out. He says yes but that he couldn't think of a place. I name the place, I ask him to name a time. Nothing. I suggest a time. Nothing. at 6:30 I decided it was time to open up a bottle of white wine and cuddle with my dog- Rupert is way better company anyway.
What did I learn from this? Some guys are jerks? White wine hangovers are not as bad as red wine hangovers?
I learned a lot from this. I go into certain situations with no expectations and for me with a lack of expectation there is a lack of standards. Sometimes I forget my worth and that gets me into trouble. Not just with people but with other aspects of my life as well. As flexible and as laid back as I try to be, I do deserve more than just a cryptic text that leads to waiting by the phone. I deserve my time to be appreciated just as much as theirs. I deserve effort!!! In those moments of insecurity and forgetting my worth I feed in to society's perpetuation of "you should be happy that".... "You should be happy that he asked you out," "you should be happy that someone was interested", "you should be happy that you dodged a bullet." Well if I would have been mindful and kept with my intent then I never would have accepted the date or even talked to him to begin with. We're inadvertently told to accept certain situations for what they are but if its not aligned with our purpose then why are we wasting our time? If you are an indecisive, inconsiderate little boy who's not ready to handle a queen, that is fine! Just stay in your own lane, make room for someone worth the effort and stop wasting my time.
This transfers to other aspects of life as well. If I would have applied to a grad school program more aligned with my intent/purpose then my passion would have be genuine and undeniable and my essays would have gotten me in. Instead, I applied somewhere easy and to a program that was safe. So much of life is taking a leap of faith and knowing it will work out. But when your leaps of faith become little hops in a easy, safe direction then have you settled? Big thought provoking questions coming from being stood up but I have been thinking that I am taking the easy, safe route and that's just not apart of the plan for me. We get comfortable and for get we were meant for something more and sometime it take being stood up to wake you up and remind you of who you are.
So "even though" this year as been full of self doubt, heart break, insecurity and uncertainty- it is just a season and I am grateful for it. It only gets me closer to my purpose and will make me appreciate it that much more when I get there!
Be Bold, Don't settle and Live intentionally
So I am not very good at this dating thing. I don't understand hints, I'm oblivious to any one interested in me and my anxiety kicks in when I am not in full control. ( I also believe in putting the crazy on the table so we all know what we're dealing with, but I digress.) So when I get asked out for a lunch date but not given an exact time or place, I get a little nervous. I'm sitting at home after a lovely hike with an awesome friend waiting for a plan. My first instinct is to text him and inquire but if he's interested he would have already given me some sort of heads up right? I come up with all sorts of excuses: he sleeps late remember don't worry he'll text you when he wakes up; maybe he's still figuring out where to take you for lunch since you're vegan; maybe he's waiting because he knew you were going on a hike... excuses excuses! Lunch slowly turns into dinner and it's 5pm. and I've heard nothing from him all day. I'm hangry and annoyed that my day has been spent not eating and sitting by a phone. Still giving him the benefit of the doubt, I text to see if he still wants to go out. He says yes but that he couldn't think of a place. I name the place, I ask him to name a time. Nothing. I suggest a time. Nothing. at 6:30 I decided it was time to open up a bottle of white wine and cuddle with my dog- Rupert is way better company anyway.
What did I learn from this? Some guys are jerks? White wine hangovers are not as bad as red wine hangovers?
I learned a lot from this. I go into certain situations with no expectations and for me with a lack of expectation there is a lack of standards. Sometimes I forget my worth and that gets me into trouble. Not just with people but with other aspects of my life as well. As flexible and as laid back as I try to be, I do deserve more than just a cryptic text that leads to waiting by the phone. I deserve my time to be appreciated just as much as theirs. I deserve effort!!! In those moments of insecurity and forgetting my worth I feed in to society's perpetuation of "you should be happy that".... "You should be happy that he asked you out," "you should be happy that someone was interested", "you should be happy that you dodged a bullet." Well if I would have been mindful and kept with my intent then I never would have accepted the date or even talked to him to begin with. We're inadvertently told to accept certain situations for what they are but if its not aligned with our purpose then why are we wasting our time? If you are an indecisive, inconsiderate little boy who's not ready to handle a queen, that is fine! Just stay in your own lane, make room for someone worth the effort and stop wasting my time.
This transfers to other aspects of life as well. If I would have applied to a grad school program more aligned with my intent/purpose then my passion would have be genuine and undeniable and my essays would have gotten me in. Instead, I applied somewhere easy and to a program that was safe. So much of life is taking a leap of faith and knowing it will work out. But when your leaps of faith become little hops in a easy, safe direction then have you settled? Big thought provoking questions coming from being stood up but I have been thinking that I am taking the easy, safe route and that's just not apart of the plan for me. We get comfortable and for get we were meant for something more and sometime it take being stood up to wake you up and remind you of who you are.
So "even though" this year as been full of self doubt, heart break, insecurity and uncertainty- it is just a season and I am grateful for it. It only gets me closer to my purpose and will make me appreciate it that much more when I get there!
Be Bold, Don't settle and Live intentionally
