Bloom where planted

The universe teaches you major messages in very subtle moments.

As much as 28 has been the year of the adult so far, I have a feeling its the year of self as well. When thinking about how I wanted this yr to be, I wanted a solid foundation and I wanted to focus more on me. Is that selfish, yes! Yes it is. Its important to be selfish sometimes and I'm realizing that. I can't be the woman I want to be and the woman everyone expects me to be without taking care of myself. That may seem selfish to some but I deserve a chance to put myself first for a change. I've been feeling this way for a while but I had a major realization today as I was getting ready for my weekly Sunday Nap.

Sunday is my favorite day. I don't have to work, I sometimes meet friends for brunch, I get to cuddle with Rue and take naps and its VENUE day. I've officially been going to my church for a yr. Exactly 1 yr ago: I got a new car, I got a puppy, I got a new job and I started going to this amazing church where the pastor actually talks about living your fullest life and not how you can be happy once you get to heaven but how bring heaven to your life. And a year later, I'm a home owner. Really big changes. Mostly changes that are "uncharacteristic" of who I thought I was and what others expected of me. I'm realizing that who I know I am and who others make me out to be are two very different people. Both great in their own right. I've always felt myself to be free spirited, happy, a go with the flow sort of person. Which is what others see as well. There is also the side of me who is extremely introverted
 (ambivert really), reflective and feels things very deeply. I'm not happy all the time, I'm human. sometimes I am quiet, because I'm probably plotting something or singing a song in my head. I can be on when I need to be but most of the time I rather read books, drink wine and take a nap.  As free spirited as I am,  I also crave and thrive off stability. I never knew why that was so important, until my nap time realization today.

The universe (God, Jah... call It what you want) and I have our moments. After realizing that this time last yr was when the shift toward consistency and solid foundations really began, I started to think of the "bloom where you're planted" quote. So cliche' but so relevant. My aloe plant is doing awesome in the new house. Same pot, but in a new spot by the window. The aloe has a spot where its getting everything it needs so of course its going to grow- and ready to be replanted again.  It hit me, I'm like that aloe. I'm in a place in my life where I'm getting most of what I need. I'm starting a career, I feel positive about the season that I'm coming into despite some difficult lessons along the way. Its as if the universe was preparing me for this "blooming" season. How can the universe/ God give me the tools I need to help me grow into the person I'm suppose to be if I'm so inconsistent? Its almost as if God was trying to send me a gift but didn't know where to send it because I was all over the place mentally, spiritually and physically. Queen of abstract analogies but I do feel like I got it today. I didn't know why God/universe wanted me here. I knew there was a reason but I was looking for something "bigger". Maybe its for school, or a partner or another job down the road. That may be part of it, but there is a bigger reason. No plant will grow without solid roots, and I have solid roots here. Not even considering the fact that I grew up here. I have brand new connections and friends that I didn't have before and I'm not the same girl as I was when I graduated high school- thank goodness- and its time to come into my own here. This was the place I am supposed to be for this season of my life and I get it.

Its pretty awesome when you have an " I get it" moment with the universe. I don't have to stifle myself because of the past and misconceptions. I can stand firm in the fact that I know who I am... or getting closer to knowing exactly who I am. I always dreaded staying home because I felt people would judge me because of my past. But if they are that preoccupied with the little girl I was in high school... then who really has the issue here?

There's more layers to the "blooming " part and more aspects of me that need work but I feel good about this season of my life. I know growth is coming because I now understand its ok to content in a season without being stagnant. I also now realize that its ok to work on me because that gets me closer to being the person that everyone "needs" me to be.

Speaking of all this growth and blooming, I hope my hair grows fast because I chopped it all off and I miss it already! There's levels to this growth thing

..... 

28: year of the adult!

You would think that since I deleted Facebook, I would be a bit better about updating my blog. One of my personal goals this year- stay attached and connected.... when I want to. Lots has happen since I wrote last yr, indicated by the ice cream truck outside my HOUSE! Yup, I bought a house.  No more basements for me. 28 has been and interesting year already. I've only been 28 for 2 mos and I've changed my view on relationships, completed my 1 yr anniversary with my job and I bought a house. For someone who is - dare I say has a phobia of commitment, 2 out of the 3 of those are pretty major to me. Notice how I'm avoiding that relationship one, Yup, still avoiding.

It's really strange to see where I am compared to 3 yrs ago, travelling through Africa ending a 2 yr Peace Corps stint. The girl who traveled on a whim and always had a bag packed is finally grounded. For the past year I've wanted a sense of stability, but I've always felt like it wasn't meant for me or a part of who I am. Since turning 18, I haven't stayed anywhere longer than 2 yrs. Even in College, I was in DC more than I was in Maryville or Chattanooga. The plan was always to finish School and move to DC. Peace Corps happened but the plan was still to move to DC once I was done. Of course plans change and life takes unexpected detours but I have a strange sense of peace about staying in my home town. My parents are here and after 2 yrs of only seeing them in pictures and countless Sunday night missed calls, I feel like I need to be here. I could look at it different ways and say that I'm finally not running anymore. I always traveled- even in the states- to get away from something. Maybe to get away of the perception that people had of me. As much as I have a free spirit and a head constantly in the clouds, people have this idea that I have it all together. Hardly.  I traveled because other countries live the simple life. No student loans, no mortgage payments, no time crunches or deadlines but for this season of my life, this is where I need to be.  My pastor- that's strange to, but that's a topic for another day- talked about being content in your season while knowing it will change. He also talked about how God places you right where you need to be for a reason. Nothing is by accident and everything is a part of a bigger plan. I know that I am here for a reason, its just finding that reason. I do feel like I am in a different season. A season to focus on me and my goals. A season to no longer have a contradictory perception of myself but to become who I know I am. My new year's word for 2015 is AWAKENING. I feel like there is a lot of good things in the works for me this year, but this yr is really about coming into my own and realizing who I am and getting closer to who I'm meant to be. 

I'm All in!

Funny how clarity works.
    I started going to Venue Church April 2014. I just started a new job, got a dog and bought my first car. Too many changes for my brain to keep up with. In between looking in the lot for cars and having a panic attack inside the dealership, I noticed people outside with big orange signs promoting a church. Great, just what Chattanooga needs, another church. But instantly it was different. There were young men excited about a church. That's a rarity, I'd never seen that before. I put it in the back of my mind and thought nothing else of it.
   A few weeks later, the Saturday after Easter, something told me to find that Church. I didn't know the name, I just remembered the big Orange signs. I found something on Facebook of course that said the name of the new Church was Venue. I went and I can honestly say my life has been forever changed.
   Fast forward to this morning. Pastor Tavner started a new series, " All in" and the first message was about the culture of Venue Church, the Venue way. Of course I knew it. I did my research back in April, I heard it while volunteering with Venue kids but it finally hit me this morning. Everything started to make sense again. Why I moved back to Chattanooga when I was on the path to leave the city again, why I was drawn to the Church, why I felt God every single time I entered the Church. Everything I have wanted and fought so hard for in myself and life is wrapped up in the vision of this Church, and the vision that God has for me. Sounds cheesy but its true.

1) " We serve like crazy"- I have always had the heart to serve, and knew that it was a major part of who I am. My 27months in PeaceCorps was no accident, Zambia was no accident. I prayed for it, wanted it more than anything.  Not every PeaceCorps volunteer makes it. Its not an easy thing to do. New country, new language, new life for 2 yrs. I didn't see my family for 2yrs and was completely out of my comfort zone. No electricity or plumbing, living and working in a rural village adapting to a new way of life. This isn't a sympathy ploy, just the reality that while serving is amazing and fulfilling it is also a huge sacrifice. More so then I ever expected. But it also made me who I am now, so I know there was method to the madness.

2)" We are radically Obedient"- This is something I want so badly and have been striving for since coming home from Peace Corps. Knowing God has a plan but being unafraid to follow. I was so caught up in leaving again, not wanting to stay in Chattanooga. I was born here, raised here, left here for a reason, but was called back. I lost my job in Feb and could have used that as a one way ticket out of this town, but I knew that I was suppose to stay here for a reason.

3) "We give until it hurts"- One of my favorite things about Venue is how excited everyone gets when its Tithe and Offering time. At first, I didn't get it. I though it was silly but then after I realized that your heart was tied to your wallet, it all made sense. What you spend your money on is what matters most to you. Makes sense right? So we spend all our money on cars, clothes, food and then complain about how "broke" we are. We've placed materialistic things and addictions before God, but if we would be Obedient and give back a portion of what we have been given then it would be returned to us ten fold. I also love how Pastor Tavner points out that its God's money anyway.

4) " We honor everyone"- I have never felt honored in Church until now. I have always dreaded going to church because I was going to have to sit for hours and listen to how Christians are better than Muslims and Americans are better than everyone else and how if I sin differently than you I am automatically worse. My heart is too big and too open for that. This mindset is what lead me to hate church and even be embarrassed to be a Christian. The second I walked into Venue I was surrounded  by some of the most awesome people in Chattanooga, all radically different than I but invested in the same vision. "We honor in, honor out, honor up."

5) " We strive for excellence"- Pretty simple concept. Venue talks about living your fullest life and that is what God always intended for us. I always strive to be the best version of myself possible. Such a basic concept that is highly overlooked and underrated. Striving for excellence isn't about being better than anyone else or being perfect. Its about giving yourself a chance to be your best self,  Its an outward expression of your inner self.

6) "We pay it forward"- I hear this and I think of the pay it forward concept of buying someone coffee or donating to a charity. Today Pastor Tavner went deeper with his and it hit me hard. Paying it forward is a willingness to be vulnerable and tell your story. As a pretend writer, I believe everyone has a story worth hearing but also worth telling. Today I was reminded that I have an obligation to tell my story. You are healed by opening up to others. I use to be afraid to tell my story because I was embarrassed by it. I've struggled with anxiety for as long I can remember, never telling anyone. Trying to hold off panic attacks so that no one would see. Then  I heard Pastor Tavner's story and it was almost as if a weight was lifted off of me. I can be confused, imperfect, bruised and still be used to help others. Growing up surrounded by church goers, that was never the case. You never know who needs to hear what you've been through to get themselves through. We're all in this together.  "Every number has a name, every name has a story and every story matters to God."

7) " We Pray until something happens"- There is a difference in hope and faith. Hope is when you think something can happened and faith is when you know something will happen. I have been working on this a lot lately. I know in my heart that if I let go and leave things to God it all works out. I have been taught for so long that if it's Gods will it will  happen regardless. This doesn't mean be a slave to meritocracy. You have to help God help you and if you aren't bold and brave to come to God with the things you want it will never happen. If you want a promotion and you never speak up, you'll never get it. That doesn't mean you don't deserve it, you were complacent. Parents want the best for their kids and will do anything to proved that. God sent his son, He did everything to give us the best, same concept. Sometimes I feel like God isn't listening but that's not the case. If you are passive aggressive about prayers and what you want/need how do you expect Him to help? Its not that He doesn't want to, you are giving Him the chance to. Prayer is vulnerability as well. Admitting that you need help and you can't do it alone isn't easy. You either stay stagnant and are consumed in fear, anxiety and confusion or you pray loud and drown everything else out.  Bold prayers will be answered, you just have to have faith.

8) "We know the truth"-  I have literally travelled the world searching for my truth. People reach their truth when they are ready. If you would have told me a few years ago that I was suppose to be in Chattanooga during this season of my life, I would have given you the "judgment face". But this is where I am suppose to be right now. And since I have accepted it, awesome things have happened.

9) "We are Bringers"- I have never been excited about Church or very vocal about my beliefs but all that has changed since going to Venue. I thought that I would walk through the doors of church and combust.. based on what Church experiences were like before. Now I feel so at home at Venue. I love my church, I look forward to Sundays. Its not a stale environment with judgmental people. Its a place full of open hearted quirky people like me! ( I mean that in the best possible way). Its a place full of life, love and community. Its nice to feel like I don't have to through life alone.

10) "We are never finished"- We are all a work in progress and God is not finished using us, using me. I feel a shift happening. In my city, absolutely but in myself as well. I feel like I am getting my spunk back. I feel like I can hear God more. I feel like I am beginning to live my fullest life.

These are the 10 principles that Venue lives by, but principles that I have always lived by as well. Its amazing to be around so many different but like minded people who get it. God has a way of  making you see things clearly, when you're ready. A few months ago, I was in a haze. Nothing was wrong, I just felt lost. I can feel a change within myself. Its all starting to make sense now. It feels good to be " all in" whole heartedly striving to be who you were meant to be.

The Hiatus is over!

  It's been almost 2yrs since I've written a blog entry. Just in time for my 27th birthday. A lot has happened in 2 yrs., well.... duh. I guess the major thing is coming back home. After my 2year stint in Peace Corps Zambia, I guess I'm finally settled back into the Americaland way of life...kinda. Reverse culture shock is as bad as it sounds and will knock even the strongest of people flat on their ass. I fell victim to the slump. Constantly living in a state of nostalgia and longing for something so real yet imaginary. I still feel conflicted and almost trapped in a life that only few people can really understand. Even after 2yrs of being back "home", I'm reluctant to tell people about my life in Zambia. There's a strange dichotomy between being proud of the life you once led and barely believing it yourself. As much as I try to be "normal" again, as if I was ever normal to begin with, Zambia is a part of me. More than a tourist attraction, Zambia has my heart in a way I never thought possible. So instead of trying to "move on" from it like a bad relationship, I'll embrace it as a new found part of me.
      With that said, one of the biggest struggles I've had since being back home is finding balance. A balance between knowing better and wanting more. A balance between who I am, who I was and who I long to be. Balance between simplicity and gratitude. I'm getting better. After a year back, I finally let my parents buy me a microwave. I figured that since I lived without one in Zambia for 2 yrs, I really didn't need one in America, right? WRONG! I'm glad I got over that one. It's hard to explain living without to a society defined by instant gratification. It's hard to explain gratitude to a culture so focused on wanting more. Most of all its hard to live in balance between the two worlds. So in an attempt to find balance and clarity, I figured I would start writing again.
    Every year instead of making a New Year's resolution, I pick a word that I want the year to embody. 2010 was progression, 2011 was balance, 2012 was something along the lines of strength and last yr. was something along the lines of self/enough. This year I picked the word: CLARITY.
      Does this mean in the next year I'll answer all of life's probing questions...please. But it does mean that I will make a conscious effort to gain insight and discover my own truth. I'm only 27 days in but I feel like this is my year, as cliché as it is. I've already had a major realization that has altered the way I look at worth, honesty and relationships. As harsh as it was, I needed it. And I'm beyond grateful for the lesson.
    So as I plunge further into the quarter life, I refuse to be stressed out or depressed by it. Instead here's my attempt to make the most of it. Sure, there will no doubt be some late night tattoo/piercing sessions, bad life choices and glitter dance parties along the way. But.... here's my attempt to find clarity in the quarter life.